Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At The Capitol
by Sucktastic Valdez
Summary: "I can't believe President Snow is forcing us to play in the Hunger Games again!" complained Katniss. "I know but there's nothing we can do about it," said Peeta. "Maybe not!" she screamed. This Quarter Quell is going to be funny!
1. Rules 1 to 5 and A Prequel

**Hello everybody and welcome to "150 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do In The Capitol" the only fan fiction where you can read all the messed up things that could have happened in "Catching Fire"! May the odds ever be in your favor!**

**Prequel**

"I can't believe President Snow is forcing us to play in the Hunger Games again!" complained Katniss as she sat at the training station.

"I know but there's nothing we can do about it," said Peeta.

"Maybe not!" exclaimed Katniss in excitement.

"What do you mean, wait you're not thinking about running off to District 13 with Gale are you!" shouted Peeta as his eyes widened and he put his hand over his mouth like a little girl.

At that Katniss gave Peeta a good slap upside the head.

"Ouch!" yelled Peeta.

"Much better, anyway I was thinking why don't we screw with the Capitol as much as possible before we die!" yelled Katniss. It was perfect.

"That's a great idea Katniss!" squealed Peeta as he tried to hug Katniss which only got him a punch to the stomach.

"What you kids doing?" asked Finnick as he walked over towards Katniss and Peeta.

"Planning to mess around with President Snow's head," answered Katniss with a mischievous and deadly smile.

"Count me in!" shouted Finnick as he fist pumped in excitement.

"Don't you dare think you can have fun without me!" hissed Johanna as she snuck up behind Peeta which of course made him scream.

"Fine, you know what we should make a list and I know exactly what to call it!" sang Katniss.

This Quarter Quell was going to be funny!

**1. I will not let anyone know about the list.**

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick and Johanna were all sitting and working on the first five rules when all of the sudden a Morphling popped up from behind Johanna and Finnick.

"Hey guys what's…" the Morphling couldn't even finish her sentence before Katniss shot an arrow at her.

"What, she can just take more morphling," said Katniss while everyone looked at her.

"She's dead Katniss," explained Johanna.

"Oh well no one even knew her name anyway," Katniss replied with a shoulder shrug.

**2. I will not shave off President Snow's beard.**

The four tributes quietly snuck into Snow's mansion passing every single peacekeeper.

"Shaving cream," ordered Peeta as they leaned over the sleeping President, his lips making some sort of kissing motion.

"Razor," Peeta demanded after he had lathered Snow's face, his skin was as white as the shaving cream. Peeta began to work on shaving his beard.

"Katniss, go easy on me!" Snow screamed in his sleep. At that Katniss threw up on the mansion's floor. Finnick swallowed a little vomit and Johanna had a disgusted look on her face.

"It is done!" said Peeta in a soft yet proud whisper as he marveled at his work,

The next morning…

President Snow woke up to the sound of chirping Mockingjays and the smell of his white rose. He had the most wonderful of dreams.

He took his hand to his face to find that his beard, his luxurious beard was gone! Gone!

Snow ran to his mirror, his face was hairless and covered in scratches. Teenage shaving.

"My beard!" he shrilled.

**3. I will not turn Jabberjays into a living music player.**

They had done it. That is train the jabberjays to sing "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO.

"In a one, and a two and a three!" yelled Johanna as the jabberjays began to sing.

"_**When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly**_

_**I pimp to the beat, walking down the street in my new lafreak, yeah**_

_**This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control,**_

_**It's RedFoo with the big afro**_

_**And like Bruce Lee I've got the claw**_

_**Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body**_

_**I work out**_

_**Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body**_

_**I work out**_

_**When I walk in the spot, this is what I see**_

_**Everybody stops and they staring at me**_

_**I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it**_

_**I'm sexy and I know it, I'm sexy and I know it **_

_**When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight 'em off**_

_**When I'm at the beach, I'm in a speedo trying to tan my cheeks**_

_**This is how I roll, come on ladies it's time to go**_

_**We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous**_

_**No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service**_

_**Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body, Girl look at that body**_

_**I work out"**_

**4. I will not use Pokemon as weapons in The Hunger Games.**

Katniss vs. Peeta.

Katniss sent out Pickachu.

"Go Chimchar!" yelled Peeta.

Chimcar used Ember.

Pickachu used Thunderbolt.

"Fools! Go Reshiram!" said Johanna as he summoned the Legendary Pokemon.

"Reshiram use Fusion Flare!" Johanna gave a wild battle cry as her Reshiram destroyed Katniss's Pickachu and Peeta's Chimchar.

"Victory!" yelped Johanna as she began to do the Chicken Dance.

**5. I will not show "The Hunger Games" movie trailer to our favorite victors.**

Finnick had been able to steal a computer from Effie and there was only one thing to do with it, watch "The Hunger Games" movie trailer.

"I am so freaking excited!" squealed Peeta as Finnick went to Youtube and clicked the trailer.

Two minutes and thirty six seconds later…

"I can't believe I'm played by Jennifer Lawerence, she's like twenty!" hissed Katniss after the trailer was finished.

"She's kind of hot," said Finnick.

"Nah, I think Haliee Steinfield would have been better," remarked Johanna.

"You're lucky you're not in this film, I'm played by the guy from Journey 2!" complained Peeta.

"Who cares, did you see Seneca Crane's beard! It was awesome!" shouted Katniss. They all nodded in agreement, Seneca Crane's beard was awesome.

**Hope you all liked. I don't own anything.**

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**Or Katniss will get you! I mean it!**


	2. Rules 6 to 10

**6. I will not use magic in the arena.**

Katniss crept slowly through the jungle towards her next victim, wand in hand. Then she saw Peeta standing in a clearing and jumped out at him.

"Reducto!" she screamed before Peeta could react, magic shot out of her wand and blasted Peeta.

"How do you like that bread boy!" she jeered, just then she heard the faint crack of a twig breaking. She whirled around and saw Finnick with his wand pointed right at her.

"Stupefy!" he yelled sending the stun spell towards her.

"Protego!" she countered, shielding herself from Finnick's spell.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" shouted Katniss before Finnick could cast another spell.

"Stop it Katniss, we're supposed to be dueling not playing," begged Finnick as he stood midair.

"Fine," said Katniss as she dropped him to the floor. Before he could get up Johanna popped up.

"Sectum Sempra!" she shouted and took Finnick out.

"Expelliarmus!" said Katniss.

"Avada Kadavra!" hissed Johanna as her green beam met with Katniss's red beam.

**7. Katniss is a symbolic mockingjay, she can't fly.**

Katniss had climbed to the top of the tallest tree before the lightning started.

"Katniss this is a bad idea," remarked Peeta from down below.

"Yeah, when we said you were the Mockingjay we meant you existed even though the Capitol didn't want you to," explained Finnick.

"Idiots I will show all of you! I am Katniss Everdeen and I can fly!" shrieked Katniss as she jumped off the tree and began to flap her arms.

"Catch me now President Snow..." said Katniss as she fell down and crashed into the forest floor.

"That's going to leave a mark," commented Johanna while Peeta and Finnick shuck their heads in agreement.

**8. I will not suspect that Effie is really Lady Gaga.**

"Hey Effie, I've got a question," said Peeta as they sat and watched the ratings on TV.

"Ask away Peeta honey," replied Effie as she turned towards him. Her powdered white face made her look like a ghost and her golden hair looked like it had been welded on in some sick coin press.

"Are you hiding something from us?" asked Peeta.

"No silly," she responded.

"So you are Lady Gaga! OMG you have to sing Bad Romance!" exclaimed Peeta.

"Let her sing Just Dance or Edge of Glory!" squealed Katniss in excitement. Effie looked at them both in an 'your freaking me out' like stare. Who the h e double hockey sticks was Lady Gaga, she thought.

**9. I will not settle the Gale-Peeta conflict with a lightsaber duel.**

There was excitement all over the Capitol, no more Team Peeta or Team Gale, it all ended tonight.

"Katniss would be better off with me, I'll bake her pies!" shouted Peeta as he ignited his purple lightsaber.

"Well at least I'm not a dumb blond, or gay!" snapped Gale as he turned on his green lightsaber and began to fight. Just before he could land a blow Peeta jumped up and did a triple roll in the air.

"Die Gale!" shrieked Peeta as he tried to decapitate Gale who was lucky enough to summersault away from the blow.

"Come on hit each other!" yelled Katniss from the sidelines as she munched on popcorn and cotton candy. At that Gale and Peeta clashed lightsabers which sizzled as the green and purple mixed to become a sickly color that reminded them of Caesar Flickerman.

"I will end you!" screamed Gale as he extended his hand in a air chuck hold which made Peeta gasp for air as the force suffocated the air out of him.

"Fool!" hissed Peeta as he let out a storm of Sith Lightning from his hand which Gale blocked with his lightsaber. Then all of the sudden Darth Maul jumped into the ring and ignited his double bladed red lighsaber.

"Don't you know that the Dark Side has cookies!" laughed Darth Maul as he stabbed Gale and Peeta.

"I win," the sith lord said as he grabbed Katniss and fled to a galaxy far, far away.

**10. I will not make my own Hunger Games swears.**

"Haymitch's buttcrack!" exclaimed Johanna.

"Son of a jabberjay!" yelled Finnick.

"Cato's nipple!" screamed Peeta.

"Tracker Jacker Bogies!" cursed Katniss.

"Effie's sock!"

"Wolf Mutt crotch!"

"District bum!"

"Mockingjay turds!"

"Your mother is a (bleep) ing (bleep) lorimipsem (bleep) abniunium (bleep) Tttlagulaf (bleep) Tyrannosaurus (bleep) President Snow (bleep) Jennifer Lawerence (bleep) with a bucket of (bleep) in District 12 (bleep) Primrose Everdeen (bleep) with a bow and arrow (bleep) Alacazam!" **(A/N: All of these swears inspired by Potter Puppet Pals "Wizard Swears". I don't own them just gave them a THG twist :P)**

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><p><strong>Again I own nothing, hope you guys found it funny!<strong>


	3. Rules 11 to 15

**11. I will not make "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" Panem Style.**

Peeta: Peeta, Peeta, Peeta Mellark.

Haymitch: HAYMITCH!

Gale: Hawthorne, Hawthorne, Gale Hawthorne.

Haymitch: HAYMITCH!

Peeta: Peeta, Peeta, Peeta Mellark.

Haymitch: HAYMITCH!

Katniss: Katniss, Katniss, Katniss Everdeen!

Haymitch: HAYMITCH!

Finnick: Finnick, Finnick, Finnick, Finnick, Finnick.

Katniss: Katniss, Katniss, Katniss Everdeen!

Gale: Gale Hawthorne, Gale Hawthorne, ooh! Gale Hawthorne, Gale Hawthorne, yeah! Gale Hawthorne, Gale Hawthorne, ooh! Gale Hawthorne, Gale Hawthorne, that's me!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Peeta: PEETA!

Gale: GALE!

Haymitch (Naked): HAYMITCH!

Finnick (flying above the rest): Finnick!

Katniss: Katniss Everdeen, I'm Katniss Everdeen, I'm Katniss Everdeen, Katniss, Katniss Everdeen.

All: SINGING OUR SONG ALL DAY LONG IN PANEM!

Gale: I found the source of the ticking, it's a pipe bomb!

Katniss & Peeta: Yay!

BANG!

Johanna: mwahahaha! Johanna, Johanna ow Johanna. JOHANNA!

**12. I will not use Angry Birds to blast my enemies into oblivion****.**

Cashmere walked through the jungle ready to kill anyone in his path. Suddenly she heard a sound and when she turned he saw Katniss with a giant slingshot.

"Turns out the odds are ever in MY favor! Taste Angry Bird!" yelled Katniss as she shot a black angry bird at Cashmere, an explosion shuck the arena.

Later...

Katniss looked out from her position, slingshot and blue angry bird at the ready. Then she spotted her next victim, Gloss.

"Die pig!" she screamed as she pelted Gloss to death with a storm of blue birds.

Even Later...

Katniss aimed her can of sardines at her final victims, Enobaria and Brutus. It was going to be an epic finale, and there were going to be no survivors.

"Hello Enobaria your name is wierd," said Katniss as she launched the can of fish at them.

"Thanks for the food..." began Brutus before Mighty Eagle crashed into them and destroyed everything.

**13. I will not remind Katniss and Peeta of the shorthand for their fluff.**

Peeta and Katniss were sharing a rare heart fleet moment on the beach shore when all of the sudden Johanna jumped out and screamed.

"OMG! This is a perfect PEE-NISS moment!" she squealed.

"What?" asked Peeta and Katniss in unison,

"Peeta and Katniss, PEE-NISS!" explained Johanna when all of the sudden Finnick came.

"I love PEE-NISS!" shouted Finnick.

"Katniss it's over!" snapped Peeta as he walked out. Looked like Team Gale won after all.

**14. I will not scream random things when running into battle.**

Our four brave tributes waited in the trees as they prepared to surprise the careers with an all out attack. Johanna was sharpening her axes, Finnick was mending his trident, Katniss was counting her arrows and Peeta, well no one knew what Peeta was doing.

It was time.

"For Narnia and for Aslan!" they screamed as they charged the unsuspecting careers.

**15. I will not give tributes copies of "Mockingjay".**

The remaining tributes sat under a tree and silently read their fates. "I can't believe I get killed, after I get married for Peeta's sake!" complained Finnick.

"Your lucky, I get my mind jacked and try to commit suicide, plus I had to share a cell with Johanna!" Peeta whimpered.

"I'm not that bad, so what if I don't mind using unforgivable curses or blowing everybody up?" asked Johanna. **(A/N:Johanna really isn't evil, just misunderstood)**

"Hey at least Suzanne Collins didn't kill off your sister or make you marry the blond!" hissed Katniss.

"I thought you liked me, I'm the boy with the bread!" responded Peeta.

"Sorry but I always liked hunter boy better," at that Peeta began to cry. **(A/N: Yes, I am Team Gale)**

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><p><strong>Please Review or "Avada Kedavra!"<strong>


	4. Rules 16 to 20

**Watched The Hunger Games movie. Loved it. Jennifer Lawerence was A-MAZE-ING as Katniss. Actually liked the ending better than the books, poor Seneca Crane had to eat nightlock berries.**

**16. I will not take tributes to the movie.**

****The movie was about to start. Peeta was munching on handfuls of popcorn, Johanna was sipping a slushy, Finnick was devouring a pretzel and Katniss was as excited as a Team Edward fangirl watching a Breaking Dawn Part One tailor.

The beginning...

"What BS! I didn't just buy the Mockingjay pin and give it to Prim! Where is Madge? What about the symbolism behind it?" complained Katniss.

The Reaping...

"This is so epic! Jennifer Lawrence is so hot and so talented, she did better as you than you did Katniss," marked Finnick which got him a kick to the leg by the Girl of Fire.

The Interview...

"Peeta why are you letting Caesar Flickerman smell you?" asked Johanna but Peeta was too busy fantasying about JL in that red dress.

Rue's Death...

Everyone even Johanna was crying.

"So be...beaut...beautiful!" sobbed Katniss.

The Ending...

"Poor Seneca, I would hate to be locked in a room with nothing to eat but nightlock," said Finnick.

"He deserved it, the dude sent wolf mutts after us. Hey look over there, it's President Snow!" countered Peeta as he pointed to the final scene.

"I can't wait till Catching Fire! I wonder who's going to play me and Finninck, 'stoo bad we have to wait till next November," squealed Johanna.

**17. I will not have an ax to grind with Johanna.**

I personally believe this needs no explanation.

**18. I will not mock Katniss because she is not "The Chosen One".**

"Johanna quick we need The Chosen One!" shouted Peeta.

"I'll be out in a minute!" called Katniss from behind a tree.

"Not you Katniss, we need Harry Potter, Percy Jacksonor Luke Skywalker!" yelled Johanna.

"Why not me, I won The Hunger Games and was the first volunteer from District 12. Shouldn't that count for something?" asked Katniss.

"Nah you don't have a prophecy about you," replied Peeta.

"Why I aught to smack you so hard that your grandkids will feel it!" threatened Katniss.

Turns out Katniss actually smacked Peeta into next week.

**19. I will not put He Who Must Not be Named in the arena.**

The four tributes crept towards the cornucopia when they say You Know Who, or maybe you don't. It's Lord Voldemort.

"Hello Katniss Everdeen. Time to die! Avada Kedavra!" shouted Voldemort, just then Dumbledore appeared and pushed Katniss out of the way.

"Hahahaha! I killed Dumbledore!" hissed Voldemort, just then Yoda popped in.

"Think Dumbledore came alone did you?" asked Yoda before throwing Voldemort into a tree with the Force.

"Why the Lightside rules this is, Team Gale forever," said Yoda before limping off on his cane.

**20. I will not try to order a pizza during the Quarter Quell.**

"Dominos Pizza," said an employee at the other end of the line.

"Hi I would like to place an order, three pizzas with pineapple, pepperoni and mushrooms and one with just cheese," replied Katniss.

"Hey are you Katniss Everdeen?" asked the Dominos employee.

"Um, no," answered Katniss.

"Katniss why on earth are you ordering pizza when you are trying to survive?" commented Haymitch at the other end. Cato's Nipple.


End file.
